i remember i was so emotionally unstable once too was a few yrs back when i was still an active bball player where bball/team is my priority.
back then, i was totally vexed, totally affected.
vexed becos i care. affected becos it matters.
back then,
the team's problem would be my problem, sacrificing was never an issue.
i trusted the team whole-heartedly on/off court, but their trust in me was always in doubt.
i was emotionally attached to my team, oni to be totally emotionally affected by my team.
i gave away my heart, i got back betrayal.
suddenly i feel lost. lost becos the most important thing in my life turned agst me. lost becos the most important thing in my life
i told myself this before, ''don't you ever be so foolish again'', ''don't live for the team again'', ''never make team ur priority in life again'', ''never let ur heart rule your head again'' .
today, i am experiencing the same ordeal all over again. i cannot imagine how foolish i am. yet i can't remember since when the team had became so important to me considering all those nasty things that they had done to me. also i can't understand y the team had become so important to me since they are never very kind to me.
i always know i have high hopes for the team, i just didn't expect to have big setbacks from them. i never expect them to reciprocate, i just don't expect them to retaliate.
i'm lost. i lost trust, faith, beliefs not in the team but myself. my way、 my principles、 my style doesn't seem to work out good & now i struggle whether to stick to them or adopt way、principles、style i've never agreed with.
i don't know who to believe anyway and i can't seem to rely on anyone.
someone said:
leave the team & get away for awhile...can i?
don't be so nice to the team anymore...can i?
i shld not allow frenship to override basic respects that i shld b given.
i shld b more firm and not b taken for granted.
i shld not allow myself to b emotionally attached and affected by the team.
i don't have to do more than coach basketball.
it's seems that no matter what i do will be wrong. if not rebutted. if not argued. if not bargained. y can't they juz do things willingly? y can't they understand it's for their own good?
i'm so confused now. i don't even have the confident to do anything now. i'm afraid when i talk i'll say things that will b used to throw back into my face again. i'm afraid when i do things it's like forcing pple to swallow nails.
so i shall not talk..so i shall not act..
i shall be heartless..i shall be evil..
i shall draw the line.. i shall not be taken for granted..
i shall not put in feelings..i shall be firm..
i shall not b a fren..i shall be stranger..